Day 1116

Went round to my parents' for dinner: they said in the last 6 weeks (basically the time I've had bouts of anxiety) I have improved massively, viz making future plans.

Was obscurely pleased by the new Sunday teatime Look East - it makes Sunday seem less of a morgue.

Once again I feel I am pulling away from recent worries.

Day 1115

Gave T a ring about six, talked for ½ hour about various subjects - mutual congratulation etc.

Tony Blair got his new Clause Four through today. I was struck again by how much he looks like a Prime Minister. Local elections next week too, let's see if disillusioned Tories really do go straight to him. 10.46pm.

Day 1114

Up with a hangover and feeling rather down. But in the evening I began feeling OK again. Watched J. Hardy in some mid-funny Crimewatch spoof.

Day 1113

Went for a 12-mile ride in the morning. Plotted a 30-mile route to T's down the back roads.

Got the Jobcentre stuff off my mind to some extent, comes with the job I suppose.

Day 1112

Slight Giro increase but no tax refund. Went down there to try and sort it out, waited 30 minutes before giving up. Put £10 in the building society. Got supplies - baccy lasting much longer with thinner filterless rollies - and 2 more books from the library on anxiety, including a very good one suggesting when anxious you 'glimpse' reality where things are in proportion. Works too.

Worked on the C versh of my spreadsheet; watched last week's Quantum Leap - interesting stuff about a nearly-functioning time machine and Sam telling his time-travel theory to a bloke who then answers on telly a letter from 'little Sam Beckett of Elk Ridge, Indiana' asking for said info. Nice.

Instituted not sitting on my bed during the day - it's a bad habit and inhibits sleep. After 10pm OK, it'll be a good dividing line between day and relaxation.

I must say that despite another Jobcentre irritation I feel better. Perhaps I really am pulling away this time. It would be foolish not to expect any relapses but I think 'the healing has begun'.

Day 1111

Still no reference. Got a couple more rugby-type shirts from Kays in calming colours. Converted my Psion poker solitaire prog to QBASIC - C next. Went to town to have those application pictures taken - a bit serious but not too bad.

Watched Fist of Fun. Very good again - 'in ten years' time this show will look as ridiculous as The Glam Metal Detectives does now'.

I must admit things have improved over the past month. The main prob now is unease and fearing something might happen. Odd eh? Perhaps soon it'll wear off, in another month perhaps, I hope. Looking back over the diary there hasn't been anything serious for a long time. I must stop apprehending and get on with things, like the Kingston Poly application I filled in today.

Day 1110

Frustrating day. Leaving to sign on about 10am, spotted the strange shouting woman, who wasn't shouting and didn't recognise me. But I was a bit worried.

Waited 30 minutes to sign on and exchanged pissed-off words with this real Mayor of Toytown type who reckoned this woman had arrived before me. I said I reckoned I arrived before her. To break the stalemate I told her she could go first if she was that bothered. Then when she went we waited tensely for the other to make a move, but he merely grunted and I went ahead, despite the fact that he'd arrived before me. I was annoyed he took me to vent his anger on because at least one bloke had pushed in before and he said nothing. I complained to the woman at the desk but she was utterly uninterested.

After all this arsing about went to the library; got turfed out after 2 minutes by the fire alarm. Came back, wrote a pissed-off complaining letter. Did some COBOL, big dialect probs.

I updated the list of the number of nights out I've had (seeking to cope by digitising hostile environment) and was pleased to see that the decline has been halted; by last week I'd been out as many times as I did last year this year.

Went for the blood test by bike in the afternoon, against ferocious North wind. Waited 40 minutes but got cheery Pam Ayres-type nurse who engaged me in conversation about camping in the New Forest. Rode back with wind behind me - much better.

Went to my parents', had argument with dad - we had to confront our disfunctional relationship. I suppose it had to be addressed some time - I've never been happy about the state of things but there've been so many grounds for distrust.

Got home. Cut my thumb washing up. More COBOL. Watched Panorama about cannabis. Wondered when my second reference for Effolk would arrive.

Day 1109

Realising positive things - posted the Effolk application, which is as far as I've got with anything in the last 1,387 days since the end of uni. I think we can make this one go. And I'd never've done it had I not stayed friends with T.

Did some programming, improved my C stack language with a better token extractor. Got to sign on tomorrow: I could have that B12 blood test too if I get bored.

Day 1108

Weather brightened up about one; rang M to ask if she'd copy a 1.2M 5" disc for me, went round at 1.30pm and ended up watching Dr Who & the Planet of the Spiders with M and E (her boyfriend). Got a copy of the disc, and also a copy of a COBOL compiler M'd acquired from work on the disc I'd taken to T's last week and still had in my coat pocket. They were going into town so E could return the vid to the libe so I accompanied them for COBOL books. Back to M's about five, watched her wrestling futilely with a Windows screen saver, went at six.

Had tea, experimented with COBOL.

Day 1107

Had a depressing time in the morning when I got a lift into town to have a photo taken for the Kingston form and discovered I didn't have enough cash. Bummer. Walked back: beautiful spring weather.

But I'd managed to get 4 good computing books from the library so had plenty to do. Modified the thumbnail .PCX prog to take wildcards, worked on the C linked-list directory prog, transferred C to the 486. Started cropping the cartoons.

Hope T's having a good evening, it being her raving night.

Day 1106

Watched yesterday's Star Trek: TNG - Cause and Effect, a good 'un about time loops with a good twist at the end. Taped Quantum Leap.

Compressed the cartoon scans to 850K with PKZIP 2.04, the new versh I've been wanting that I got off M's cover discs, and transferred the file to the 486 by serial cable. No trouble (or rather not much).

Day 1105

Taped Star Trek: TNG as I wanted to hear about this bombed office block in Oklahoma City in America. Earlier watched Quantum Leap which I'd taped last week: very good to have him as pregnant woman (not much of a plot though).

Day 1104

Finished The Secret History, good stuff but nerve-racking.

Day 1103

Managed to sleep well till about 9.30 (I think - there were no clocks in the room and I had to deduce it from what was on the telly). Got to Stratford in good time but the coach was ½ hour late. I was anxious again on the coach but nothing happened, as usual.

Read The Secret History by someone called 'Donna Tartt' (!) which T had insisted I borrow.

Day 1102

Went for a walk in the park, which has a house with a William Morris blue plaque on it.

Later T cooked some great mushroom pasta and her friend M came round. We sat about talking and drinking for a long time. I had well over a litre of wine, everything was fine. I find M quite attractive but taking on a man of 35 is a serious undertaking.

Day 1101

Hardly anyone on the coach. Got to Stratford 5 minutes early at 1.25pm but didn't meet T till half two - I'd given up and gone in search of a bus to hers and found her at the tube station. Went back to hers, re-met her friends. One, J, was gay and interesting.

We went to the pub and had a good time, except one of her friends caused an argument by repeatedly calling this Ian bloke 'Liam' like in Spinal Tap. I defused it by waiting for a break in the shouting and saying 'Can I raise a practical question at this point?'

Day 1100

Did a spot of file-selector programming, then rode down to Sandleford Mill where I measured electromagnetic fields from the power lines.

Was anxious at times today but it went away.

Day 1099

Left at 8.45, got there at 1.10, stopping at Reading. Everything went very well, lovely spring weather. I can see why they have funerals now (not having been to one before) - you have to put a full stop to things. Nice touch was a bloke in a car turning his radio off as the cortège went past.
Quiet funeral tea, I was very hungry with all the emotion. Left at 5.30, back by ten after changing over outside Reading and stopping for tea at South Mimms. Had just enough energy left to microwave a vegetable lasagne and watch the Crimewatch update.

I think today has been a maturing experience. It would be good if something good were to come of it.

Day 1098

Got a lift to the Jobcentre, walked back. Watched last week's Quantum Leap - a very good one with Sam as kid keeping parents together and overcoming bullying elder sister.

Rang T about seven, she told me the bus number from Stratford and she said she'd come and meet me there on Friday.

Was troubled by second-hand anxiety again at times, but it's too ridiculous to take seriously. I should be thankful the having to go outside I had in March has gone, touch wood.

Prepared for tomorrow's sombre ceremony. Up at 7.45am tomorrow.

Day 1097

Into town by for coach ticket to T's (£5.50 return, pretty good), black tights for Thursday, blank discs and a 100-disc box (only £11.50 for the last two at Silica in Debenhams - not bad).

Spent the afternoon correcting the election data.

The problem (if any) today has been fear of being anxious, a sort of second-hand fear which is utterly ridiculous and hopefully won't last.

Day 1096

Went and signed on, got a book from the library with the 1992 election results so I could update the cover-disc election prediction program. Came back: had typed in 440 of 632 constituencies by 10pm.

In the afternoon rode 9 miles, popped back into town for a music editor from the shareware bank in the library. Quite good for £2.

The sombre ceremony for Nana is Thursday 1pm, so if we leave at 8.45am on Thu we can be back before 10pm. Quite a long drive but I can share it with C.

Watched the last Game On, not bad, something of a conclusion but not much. Not much troubled by negative introspection today, let's hope I can stay positive for more than 6 days this time.

Day 1095

After dinner M rang up and invited me round 'for a glass of wine' (she'd been to France yesterday). Talked to her and E for 2 hours, he's nice but sarky, like all her boyfriends. Had a splash of wine with lemonade and a little 25cl bottle of beer.

Day 1094

Had a 7-mile ride to Little Felpham in the morning; completed the .PCX gallery program. Very pleased with it. Listened to good, optimistic play Getting Mad on R4 in the afternoon; won the family Grand National sweepstake (£2). But my 50p e/w on General Pershing went down at the 3rd fence.

Day 1093

Succesfully rang Liam Davis (who after 3½ years still calls me 'Jame') and OK'd a reference. He said any reference would have to be based on my record but he would be willing to allow for the possibility of improvement and ambition etc.

Went into town to look in at the Jobcentre. Then did the shopping, unfortunately getting into an introspective cycle. Went back to town by bike to post reference letters, rode 6.2 miles. Carried on with the Canadian air force exercises.

The introspection wore off about 5pm after successfully getting my .PCX thumbnail gallery program working. Rang T to arrange more things for the expedition.

I must remember that when I feel down it always goes away (perhaps listening to Dream of the Blue Turtles helped) and sometimes for a long time. Spoke to mum, who reckons it's due to stress and having to make decisions after such a long time. Which would account for it coming on during the ABC Debâcle last year.

There's nothing you can think yourself into that you can't think yourself out of again.

Tories got smashed to bits in Scotland, not one council, 79/1100 seats, 13% vote to Labour's 44% - and that's with 23% for the SNP. Even John Major could not bring himself to say it was a fairly typical mid-term setback. He congratulated Labour! Well done Tony Blair. Roll on the Day!

Day 1092

Elves' New Year, and some progress. Filled in application forms and tried (unsuccessfully) to ring Liam Davis at Lowlands about the reference. Rang up Kingston Poly for a brochure for their course.

Got right back into computing in the afternoon with the .PCX viewer, adapting it to do a thumbnail gallery from a wildcard list. Also started converting FCALC, my QBASIC spreadsheet, into C.

Watched the last Glams.

Day 1091

Inquired at the National Express place about fares to Stratford - £6.50 return. Was lucky to find Supercharged Bitmapped Graphics (mentioned in the Graphics Workshop documentation) at the library - borrowed it without delay.

Rang T to discuss next week's jaunt. We're looking at total transport costs of £30 (hopefully).

Day 1090

Started the Canadian air force exercises again after about a year.

Day 1089

Took my bike to the shop for repair, looked in at the Jobcentre and the library.

The BBC have been stopped from showing a 40-minute interview with J. Major just before the Scottish local elections. It's like that Desert Island Discs they gave him just before the Dreadful Day - nearly 3 years ago, btw. How anyone can say the BBC are anti-Government is beyond me. If there's any bias it's pro-Tory.

Day 1088

Lovely weather, very warm. Spent most of the day fruitlessly trying to put the gears on my bike in order. Got my phone bill prog working.

Day 1087

Up rather early for a Saturday and went into town for some exercising trousers. Chain came off on the way home so had to spend some time when I got back removing oil from my coat.

M rang up just after one suggesting we go to Lakeside; went at 1.30, sampled CompuServe - very good. Got back to hers about four, discussed computers and tested scanners till 5.30. Came back, worked with the DOS 5 discs I borrowed from her, and the poker solitaire Psion prog I've been writing.