Day 1147

I may be wrong but I think it's a year since the ABC interview - maybe with a year between me and those events I can come to terms with them. It was a mistake to start forgetting so soon.

Improved my Psion phone-call metering prog to include dialling; ordered a video copying kit from Maplin for dad.

In town bought a pad for the Computer Science book exercises. Also used it to write a long letter to T. That's the best kind of introspection because it's useful and can bring feedback.

Day 1146

Into town in the morning to bank £30 from my birthday at the building society. Now I've got £60 there and £60 in the TSB, so my assets are more than they've been for a while. This time I've got to stop myself splurging it away on gadgets; if the Effolk venture is to go well I'll need some spare funds, if only to maintain self-respect.

T rang up after dinner on her boyfriend''s mobile but faded out, so I rang her back. Arranged to go and see her on Fri 16th (rather than Sat 17th, as I've got to sign on on Mon 19th).

Day 1145

C bought me a stand-up cardboard figure of Jean-Luc Picard and The Star Trek Encyclopaedia, a triffic compilation of info for obsessives. Went up to the Cricketers at lunchtime.

Day 1144

Took T back to the station. In the afternoon went down to Dulchester to have a look at the Effolk campus; with a 19-unit lager hangover still in the background the experience was a downer as I started worrying about the work required.

Came back, put an Out of this World ep onto audio tape to see how it sounds.

Yesterday was one of the best birthday celebrations I've had; T did her best to make it a real occasion and I appreciate that. I only wish I had the cash to do the same for her birthday.

Am reminded of my birthday celebration in 1992 where Tench McCarthy first told me about the Effolk course.

Now I'm 25 I'll be getting £20 extra income support a fortnight till I sign off in October, so I can save £25 a fortnight (max £225, I think).

Day 1143

Picked T up from the station; went halves on a lottery ticket as the prize was £20m for 14m-1 odds, making it a value bet; we contributed 3 numbers each. We talked about everything; T brought up a parallel I'd never thought of before between the Roman Republic and the U.S. - will an American Julius or Augustus turn up? Very interesting.

Got back here shortly before midnight, watched Quantum Leap and talked till 3 am.

Day 1142

Went into town, banked the various cheques (birthday, tax), selected an album for C to get me as a present, looked in at the Jobcentre, got one of the preparatory course books from the library.

Round to M's in the evening, told her and E about the course, watched telly, talked. They're buying a flat in Much Village, would you believe it, and E has got a job in Mugsborough. As I said to M, it's all getting very grown-up and a far cry from when I was throwing up in dustbins in 1986.

I detect a mood similar to almost a year ago, when after 3 years' fruitless unemployment I got a chance at a new way of life. After less than 3 weeks it failed, for various reasons, and I don't think I'm quite over the shock yet. Now, after 4 years' fruitless unemployment, I've got more than a chance, it's an arrangement. I merely have to apply myself to get through and come to sunlit uplands. I can't spend the rest of my life hiding from potential cruel irony, which after all comes with hindsight. There is a point at which your concern for tempting fate produces worse results than that which you fear. Perspective again.

It was odd to realise M has got a job, bloke and place of her own (almost) while I've been arsing around achieving next to nothing. But it's never too late; Wyrd oft nereð unfægne cwen / þonne hir ellen deah. My courage is good all right.

Day 1141

About 9.15 the post came, first with £63 from the tax and second with an offer from Effolk. I immediately decided to accept and could hardly take in the news. So went round to my parents' and got on with painting the fence and garden furniture.

About noon rang T with the news; she was very pleased and it was her that sent for the prospectus on February 6th.

Went out in the afternoon to post the Effolk acceptance. Had a small glass of white wine, Navarth-style, about 5 pm, as a strict one-off; rang up Wilton Books to order the ANSI C course book.

Back round to my parents' in the evening for champagne. Let's hope it turns out better than the last time, nearly a year ago, that we had champagne.

Watched the first of the new Men Behaving Badly - better than I expected.

So, this is in 1995 like getting my A-level results in 1988, it is another chance: to make up in 50 weeks for the waste I committed in 91 weeks at uni. And this time I am prepared to work damn hard to get it done. And I will stop fearing that unexpected ill-luck will trip me up; at least this way I'm happy now rather than if or when I'm proved wrong. But I hope not to be.

'Free! Free! Free! Back to Arilia! Back to the world of air!'

Day 1140

Went and had my hair cut ('one of the most hateful duties of civilised man'), looked in at the Jobcentre. Got back, no reference or offer but a letter from the tax saying a 'payable order' for £65 would arrive shortly. Did some painting till it started raining.

It was announced in the morning that Harold Wilson had died. News all about him. I felt sad as he is a hero of mine for being pragmatic and winning elections and being Prime Minister when I was born (just). Plenty of footage including the bit of him with the Beatles. John Cole said the MI5 people who took it upon themselves to try and destabilise an elected government should've been sacked with no pension. Watched the Commons tribute, Tony Blair (in whom the Wilson tradition now rests) sounded genuinely upset - Ted Heath made a good speech too.

T rang up via mobile and asked me to ring her. She asked if I was bothered by Wilson dying. We had a good talk

RIP Harold Wilson. Let us mourn a fine man this day.

Day 1139

Still no reference, no offer! Getting on my nerves

In the evening watched an unpleasant ep of The Bill sanctioning police violence and threats.

Day 1138

Went to sign on, got there early, only had to wait about 2 minutes.

Went round to my parents' and painted the fence with wood preserver - taking up most of the afternoon. Exercised outside for the first time, very exhilarating.

Hope Effolk come through with that offer fairly soon.

Day 1137

In the afternoon went round to my parents' and painted the side gate, made a pretty good job of it too if you ask me.

In the evening watched Family Therapy; they should get the mother to be a bit less ambitious and critical.

Got to sign on tomorrow, unfortunately: 8 signs to go and a statistical likelihood of 1.14 disputes over who's next. Can't believe the bloody DHSS won't do anything about it.

Day 1136

Went round to my parents' and rearranged the shed with a new tool-hanging shelf, which took some time. Came back and finished Aspidistra - I hope my salvation hunts me down in a like way.

Watched/listened to the Cup Final (rather late in May for it)]. Slow evening but a Punt & Dennis compilation livened things up.

Day 1135

Into town, went to the library, got to the Jobcentre too early (forgot it opens at 10 am on Fridays). Went round to my parents' and painted the garden seat, did pretty well - I'm quite handy painting wood.

Day 1134

Watched last week's Quantum Leap, a good 'un with Sam as bounty hunter with innocentish woman criminal.

Went out to the Co-op for a bottle of Aqua Pura (to see how it appeals to me) in the afternoon. Stopped off at my parents' to givve the doorsteps their last coat of varnish - they look much improved. At home was struck by the filth coating the inside of my window-frames - gave them a thorough clean, along with the window-sill, the windows and the double-glazing.

In the evening, tried to get through to T. twice but no answer. If she's off work she can't ring me as she's incoming calls only.

Read Keep The Aspidistra Flying for the first time in ages; resonances ever stronger, but full of hope.

Day 1133

Went round to my parents' again, varnished a couple of mirror frames, gave the doorsteps a second coat.

Back at home worked on the C expression evaluator. Rang up Liam Davis to give him a prod re my reference; he was apologetic, saying he had tons of marking, but when I said I'd had two conditional offers he seemed pleased and said he'd try and sort out the paperwork by the end of the week.

Read Pickwick Papers.

Day 1132

Got lots of work done today in response to unease; went round to my parents' and painted the porch, varnished the doorsteps and put up a top-strength shelf in the garage. The latter entailed a visit to Homebase. If I've got excess nervous energy I might as well use it for something constructive.

Cooked the tea too (home-made pizza); well received and quite nice if I say so myself.

Failed to raise Liam Davis re reference again.

Wasn't overly worried today; I'm going to stop mentioning general unease as the impression is unhelpful.

Back at home, watched The Bill and the last Fist of Fun; Pris later.

Day 1131

Went into town; a massive queue at the Jobcentre made me fear the same at the next signing-on. Only 9 more signs to go, though, if all the course stuff turns out OK, thanks to the August bank holiday.

In connection with the course, rang Effolk to see when I could expect a formal offer; the woman said nothing relevant was hanging about in her office and that I'd have to wait another couple of weeks, probably. She did say though that with an unconditional 'recommendation' like mine any hitch would be unlikely.

There is concrete evidence that I am pulling away from isolation, frustration and anxiety.

Day 1130

Read the The Pickwick Papers. Went down to Lakeside with C in the afternoon, had a look round PC World.

Day 1129

M rang up in the morning to see how I'd got on at Kingston. Went out with her and E in the evening to the Gates of Jerusalem. We had a great time, E in charming mood and trying to extract info about M's previous boyfriends. Walked back in a cold clear night under a full moon, like old times but better. I really like E, and he seems to like me.

Back just before midnight. I've now been out 9 times this year after 4½ months, compared to 5 times all last year. Looks like things are improving again.

Day 1128

..I woke up about eight again and had to lend T 55p for bread. I passed some remarks about the absurdity of someone on the dole lending two people who are in work money, further annoying the breadless T. She's got £500 pcm to dispose of, I've got £100; she should learn to budget. However, she did thank me.

Caught the bus to Stratford, got there early so had a cuppa in the bus station cafe where a drivers' union meeting was taking place - 'Bow don't want nothing more to do with us so we are now independent...'

Coach was 12 minutes late, got back about 1.30, walked home feeling on top of the world. Stopped off at the Jobcentre for a pleasant (!) conversation about NI contributions for post-graduate courses (pay-it-yourself when you can afford it).

This good mood was built on good solid foundations of the Kingston bloke's good opinion causing self-esteem, and all the things I've got done in the last two days.

I need some much-needed sleep. If everything pans out I'll have two offers to choose from and in 20½ weeks can be well on the way to an activity-filled future.

Day 1127

..I woke up at 8.10 am amid bustle. They went out about 9.15, I watched Kilroy etc till I left, smartly clad, at 10.45. A zone 6 travelcard was only £3.80 so I saved a ton. Met T by arrangement at Gt Portland St to give her the keys I'd locked up with. She complimented me on my smart mode which she hadn't seen before of course.

Got to Waterloo about 11.55, saw the clock, got the 12.02 to Kingston, got there about 12.30. Wandered semi-fruitlessly around looking for a biro shop and a pub, eventually found both, was back at the uni just in time but was a bit late for the sesh as I was unsure of the directions I'd been given at the reception. I nearly gave up and went back to the station, but instead I went back to reception to ask again.

Had presentation (realised it's a long time since I had to listen to a speech by someone - had to concentrate hard), also number, shape and logic tests (the last quite handy for a Philosophy graduate).

Then interview: the bloke was quite complimentary and once I'd done my 'why-I-won't-cock-it-up-this-time' speech my confidence was well up. He said they'd offer me a place.

Left at 4.45, eventually got back to T's at 6.30. Passed an uninterrupted night, knowing no more until...

Day 1126

Took stuff for recycling. Walked down to the bus station, caught the coach: got to Stratford about 5 pm and to T's by bus. Watched Brookside, unfortunately, then Spinal Tap which T'd rung up in the morning to ask me to bring. She being working she went to bed at 11.30, I sat up till 1am watching High Anxiety, which was next on the tape, and drinking. Went to bed listening to R5 on a walkman - woke up in the night very anxious (as if with withdrawal) but got rid of it and knew no more until...

Day 1125

A positive resonance for this date at last - got a letter from Effolk to say I was being recommended for a place and I should await confirmation. Immediately my mental health worries fell away.

Watched Quantum Leap in the afternoon - chase plot, Nov 10 1985, a date to be found in my diaries for a change.

Phoned T, who was very pleased about my Effolk news. I reminded her that it was she who'd sent off for the prospectus in the first place. I'm still going up to hers tomorrow for the Kingston interview as I need a contingency plan and it'll be good experience.

Watched The Bill and Fist of Fun. Pris later.

Day 1124

Lancasters, Mosquitoes etc flew over in the morning on their way to London; saw them arrive on telly, 10 minutes for 30 miles = 180 mph.

Carried on with The Pickwick Papers in the afternoon; good, rather episodic though.

Watched the last Dad's Army in the evening: Wilson revealed he'd been a captain in WW1, 'Well, you never asked.'

Rang M about interview pointers. She said we should meet at the Cricketers to discuss it and celebrate VE-day. Got there before them, waited 15 minutes listening to right-wing stuff shading into WW2 anecdotes from two old blokes at the next table. Me, I'll be celebrating VL-day on July 12th - Victory for Labour.

When M & E arrived had a great time discussing courses, interviews (for courses and jobs) etc. like E and I think he likes me. They'd been down at Hyde Park in the afternoon.

Everyone in the pub observed the 2 minutes' silence at 8.38, so I folded my arms and thought of the cemetery at Arromanches amongst other things. The Old Lie.

Day 1123

Read Pickwick Papers; borrowed dad's car and went for a drive in the afternoon. Worked on the C version of my spreadsheet, made progress.

Day 1122

Used the new disc-spanning feature of the PKZIP 2.04 version to re-backup 123 and DOS - especially good with the latter as if the hard disc goes down there's no way you can RESTORE a 2-megabyte ZIP file to a 360K floppy. With 2.04 you can have the required disc auto-located and only unzip what you want (usually CHKDSK).

Got a lift into town in C's car, got Pickwick Papers from the library. Walked back in the heat.

Rang T. She wanted me to come down straight away (I was almost tempted) but I told her she'd have to wait until Wednesday.

Worked on the latest attempt at a C spreadsheet in the evening: was surprised to find how far I'd got. I wish I'd never mentioned it on the Kingston form as it was only a QBASIC prog at the time. Similar structure, yeah, but would they understand that? But I did find out how useful sprintf() was - saves loads of hassle.

Day 1121

Tories took a beating, Labour did extremely well. They took lots of places. The Libs took Mugsborough, so I got the person and council I voted for for a change. Labour turned their 2 seats here to 7. Excellent.

Went into town, got a coach ticket for next week.

What a great day for Labour, and against the VE stuff too. Or was it with it? What fitter memorial than a re-enactment of the 1945 election?

Day 1120

Went and voted tactically, both votes for the Lib Dems. Had a letter from Kingston: I've been 'shortlisted for an interview' in a week. Could be good.

Went to the pub again for a grapefruit juice, when I got back, rang T at work to tell her about the interview and ask if I could stay at hers next Wednesday and Thursday: I can then only have to travel from hers to Wimbledon on the day and can arrive cool and composed. She immediately agreed and was very pleased.

In the afternoon worked out coach times. Got into a bit of a state having read yet another description of some poor bloke with schizophrenia. But think: if I'd really suffered from all the things I've read about other people having and immediately feared I've got, I'd've died about 10 years ago from 10 different diseases.

Went out about 9.45 for rizlas, saw the New Moon high and clear in the West and calmed down a bit. Listened to the local election results. Labour doing 'stunningly' well in all sorts of unlikely places. Let's hope it can be repeated at the general election.

Day 1119

No-one at all at the Jobcentre hardly; why isn't it like that when I sign on? On impulse went up to the Cricketers at midday and read the Mirror and had a ginger ale. Did me good, might do it again.

A spot of programming in the evening. I feel quite well at the moment - it's just that bad times provide more material to write about.

Day 1118

I do still feel that I am partly letting myself worry and could do more to prevent it. Could it be partly due to deliberately trying to forget about getting sacked from ABC and not addressing the issues. I'm angry with myself for being incompetent and angry with that bastard Oakham for taking out his embarassment on me. And yet I was trying to forget it walking home 15 minutes afterwards. It may well be that I was wrong to do that, these feelings have to be worked out.

I don't know if expressing feelings more like this would do me good. It seemed to work for Anne Frank, cooped up in one house for 25 months with the Gestapo after her. She managed all right, at least I can go out whenever I like even if I don't seem to be able to get a job. Certainly puts a perspective on things. Too much fucking perspective.

Fist of Fun quite good earlier, though they alienated me with a caption alleging the new 'I sense anger' Star Trek: TNG was better than good old plain Star Trek. Peter Baynham from The Harpoon is in it as well as A. McGowan.

Day 1117

Looked in at the Jobcentre, saw the bloke I had words with last week, clearly the incident had left his mind. Another ridiculous faded worry. Checked that I didn't have to sign next week.

In the evening experimented with the built-in string tokeniser in Quick C.