Day 1142

Went into town, banked the various cheques (birthday, tax), selected an album for C to get me as a present, looked in at the Jobcentre, got one of the preparatory course books from the library.

Round to M's in the evening, told her and E about the course, watched telly, talked. They're buying a flat in Much Village, would you believe it, and E has got a job in Mugsborough. As I said to M, it's all getting very grown-up and a far cry from when I was throwing up in dustbins in 1986.

I detect a mood similar to almost a year ago, when after 3 years' fruitless unemployment I got a chance at a new way of life. After less than 3 weeks it failed, for various reasons, and I don't think I'm quite over the shock yet. Now, after 4 years' fruitless unemployment, I've got more than a chance, it's an arrangement. I merely have to apply myself to get through and come to sunlit uplands. I can't spend the rest of my life hiding from potential cruel irony, which after all comes with hindsight. There is a point at which your concern for tempting fate produces worse results than that which you fear. Perspective again.

It was odd to realise M has got a job, bloke and place of her own (almost) while I've been arsing around achieving next to nothing. But it's never too late; Wyrd oft nereð unfægne cwen / þonne hir ellen deah. My courage is good all right.